Silence of the Horses

Hi, Bethesda. It's me. We've never seen eye to eye, what with the gag-order contracts that you likely made more on than your sales for ps3 game units, incredibly buggy games all around... but y'know, I just love your work, anyway. You had me hooked at Morrowind.

A friend loaned me Skyrim, and I love this game. It's simply amazing. There are, as always, bugs that break the game like a fat kid with a box of Pocky, but what gets me is certain designs that make me wonder "Who the heck programmed this particular instance, and what illegal and mind-damaging substance have they put into their body?" For example, let us suppose for a moment that this were a modern-times game. I do not expect my car to abruptly attack a mugger. Y'know, in fact, if it were capable of doing so, I might disable that ability anyway; I don't want to have my car wreck itself while someone's trying to steal something like $5 from me and a handful of cards with expired accounts.
Therefore, it boggles me that in both Oblivion and Skyrim, my most expensive upkeep is buying new horses which seem hellbent on attacking any and every enemy I come across. At least in Skyrim the horses have some sense of self-preservation- if they've already pissed off the entire camp of necromancers, a pack of wolves, a bear and a dragon, and their health is something like 10% of its maximum, the horse will run away, leaving me to deal with the consequences of its stupidity. Henceforth, I believe it's high time my character uses his feet instead. Maybe I can find a way to have a horse whose first instinct is "Oh, shit. Better run." Maybe next time I see that stableman, and he says"What you want is a WARHORSE!" I'll just cast Soul Trap, double-cast my worse elemental attack spell, and toss his soul-trapped Black Soul Gem under the millstone in Ivarstead and let my character grind it while I head off to work for the day in real life.

The Feast of Human Blood

The Wife did about 5 hours of yard work, proving that she not only wears the pants, but she also slays dragons.We have decided to grill out, for some stupid reason. I suggested it, rather stupidly. Not sure why. The process has invited a Mormon-sized family of spiders to defend the charcoal bag as their home, and apparently summoned reinforcements from the uncleaned, recently rained-in gutters to buzz about me, taking turns trying to suck my vegetarian blood and give me the West Nile Virus.

Beginning to think this may have been a bad idea. I have a picture of my bite-bloated hand from the last time I was outdoors longer than the time it takes to flee like a little girl, arms flailing behind me like a poorly drawn cartoon, to my car before and after work. Allow me to share it with you.

I know it doesn't look as bad as you might imagine, but keep in mind, they like to go for the thin-skin areas where there's minimal room for swelling. For example: my knuckles. I was unable to use my hand all day that day, and some of the next. That was Wednesday. It is now Sunday, and my hand is still a little swollen.

tl;dr- I hate nature, and it can go screw itsel-WAIT! NO! It'll just breed more bugs to terrorize me.
Do me a favor, peers, and pollute as much as you can, because it will reduce the number of insects. Who cares if the human species dies off as a consequence- at least we'll have won the war.


Update: I decided to abandon the grill to the elements, choosing instead to cook my tofu and The Wife's chicken on the stove.

GUESS WHO STUCK THEIR FINGERS ON A HOT STOVE PANEL!

Oh Mah Guurrd!

I have finally accumulated about 40 blog views as of this posting, with 5 views today. I'm so excited, I could... well, I can't shit, I did that already. Sorry... TMI, I know, I know. I could get up and do a little dance, if I didn't feel like my bones were put together by a dyslexic five year old with difficulty recognizing spacial relationships to boot.
I'll settle for a smug smile that, one day... I might have 45 views.


Actually, most of those views are probably mine.

Shit.

It's Called CGI, Dipshitticus

I came across this ad while on Bookface a few times... and it just sorta makes me wonder what drugs people are on, sometimes. Like, "Hey, you! Yeah, you like free malware, right? Come on over!"

Also, it is interesting to note that "malware" isn't a word, according to Firefox. Instead, it recommends "Waldemar". The feck is that?

Google is Retarded

Google is fucking retarded- NO! I don't want to hear it; I know that it's politically incorrect, but Google really is fucking retarded.
I typed in "music from timesplitters," since the video game Timesplitters has music the likes of which one might search for. The feature that automatically tells you "I got this" and provides you with popular seaches stopped me at "music from timespl" because it had filled it out below my text. I pressed the Down key, then the Enter key.

It brought me to "music from hard times." Um, okay, must have been a glitch. I clicked the Back button, and re-entered my text in full, then pressed Enter. The page I saw confused the shit out of me (literally; I needed to go void my bowels after this). The page was "music from fast times at ridgemont."
What the flipping flapjacks is this shit? Google, give me what I asked for, or I'm going back to Yahoo, you butt-turd.

E Pluribus Anum

I have come to the realization that my entire life has been a serious of mind-wreckingly funny one-liners that would not be funny in the least if said without context, and the explanation required to create context would suck the humor out of each phrase like a giant mosquito with the last living mammal on the planet.

At any rate... I was supposed to have a class, Composition 102 tonight, but it seems I may have been thrown from a moving vehicle while I wasn't paying attention, because my neck and back have got to be broken in multiple places. Oh wait. Must be the fibro' playing tricks on me.

Whatever... anyhow, I'm going to go take some muscle relaxers, have some dinner, and try to write a paper while I have limp-noodle limbs and food-coma. Should make for interesting reading for my professor, at least.

If only I could reach through computers to slap people

I'm so sick of people posting stupid shit posts about "send this/post this to X people, and Y will happen or Z will happen!"
It's like some arcane formula based on specifically how you annoy someone in a digital medium that re-alignes the universe's events to either grant you some pitiful boon, or cause some horrific and implausible "thing" to occur to make you wish you'd listened to a permanent grade-schooler's idiotic commands.
Therefore, I've decided that whenever I come across a chain-message of any kind, I'm going to immediately send this to the offender:
ಠ_ಠ
YOU
need to stop posting shit comments.

I encourage you to do the same.